To Feel Nothing at All
by swanqueensaywhat
Summary: Oneshot. Alex slips deeper into her feelings of nothingness until one night she takes the leap. *Possible trigger warning*


**A/N: First off, I'm not the best at writing like angsty(?) stories, so sorry if this is like way messed up or anything, I apologize in advanced. Second, I'm not abandoning the other story****_ however _****I kept listening to this song and I wanted this little thing to happen so I did sit down and write it real quick, again, sorry if it's not in depth enough or anything. Lastly, you all are great, and amazing, and just hella awesome, so I thank you for returning again to my writing, it makes me feel all fuzzy inside.**

**_I own nothing, sadly. All characters belong to Jenji Kohan and the writers of OITNB. Song: "Stay High" (Habits Remix) belongs to Tove Lo. _**

* * *

_You're gone and I gotta stay_

_High all the time_

_To -high to-_

_Keep you off my mind_

_~o.o~_

Alex Vause was completely and irreversibly fucked up.

There had barely been a night since Piper had left that she wasn't out at a club, or at home by herself, nothing left to keep the demons at bay. Piper leaving had ripped the brunette's soul in half, slowly at first, and then completely all at once. The only thing that had kept her away from the drugs, alcohol, and parties at first, was her mother's funeral. Alex had somehow managed to keep it together, if you could call it that, through the duration of the events surrounding her mother's death. Afterwards though, Alex sunk deeper and deeper into her own personal hell.

She had yet to return to Earth.

Not that it bothered her much. Business was fine, Kubra was happy, she didn't have much to worry about. Alex let the days bleed into one another, her life becoming a haze of wild nights, sleeping, and hangovers. She had stopped thinking completely, what difference did it make whether she was in self-destruction mode all the time or not? It didn't matter much as long as she couldn't remember it, which she didn't. Alex wasn't functioning normally, there was no eating schedule, sleep schedule, it was all a jumbled mess that she had yet to clean up in the wake of Piper's departure.

The darkness of her apartment greeted Alex as she woke up, she let her eyes adjust briefly before getting up and walking into her bathroom. Upon seeing her reflection in the mirror, Alex wrinkled her nose and sat down on the toilet. She didn't feel like showering or going out tonight, in reality she didn't feel like doing anything. It was safe to say that the brunette woman was feeling nothing at that moment. All she could think about was Piper lately. Her dreams had been of the blonde, her mind always wandered to the blonde, Piper was in her mind day and night and it was driving Alex over the edge. Running a hand through her hair, Alex stood up and grabbed the bag of white powder on her counter as she walked into her living room.

Alex was completely void of feelings at this point; she was an empty shell, ready to crack.

The brunette sat on her couch as she dumped some of the substance out onto her coffee table, carefully preparing it for use. Kubra had of course been wary about selling one of his best workers heroine, as he knew very well what kind of monster it could turn you into, but money was money, and he had given Alex some of his finest. Shaking her head to herself, Alex laughed bitterly at what she had evolved into. This was no life. This was no way for her to exist. Thoughts blurred into nothing as she snorted the drugs, allowing them to take effect as she stared at the wall. Alex let herself go with reckless abandon as the time went by, eventually finding the bag almost gone. Normally this would've alerted the brunette, but she was not in the state of mind to care at the moment. Her eyes made out the time on the clock with a struggle, it was nearly eleven at night now.

So much for sleeping tonight.

Alex threw all of her precautions and rational thoughts out of the window as she finished off the bag, throwing it to the ground. Standing up, Alex felt rage bubble up within her as Piper's face made its way into her mind once more as she looked at a picture of them she had forgotten to take down. Alex picked up the frame and threw it at the wall as she screamed, the glass shattering along with whatever part of her was still left. The brunette went on a rampage through her apartment, knocking things over and throwing lamps and glasses as she tore her way through the rooms, anything in her way getting destroyed. She was so sick of being sad, of being forced to see Piper only in her dreams; she hated the word love, and any feelings that came with it.

Alex Vause hated life.

She found herself in the bathroom, leaning against the counter as her chest heaved in deep breaths, trying to calm down. Throwing open the cabinet, Alex grabbed the bottle of Vicodin she had been prescribed after the recent removal of her wisdom teeth, the bottle nearly fill due to her lack of will to do anything. Alex walked back into her kitchen and grabbed a glass, filling it nearly to the top with whiskey. _Nothing like a nice cocktail of poison to bid farewell, _Alex thought bitterly as she began to take the pills. Her glass was empty once, and nearly halfway empty again when the doorbell rang.

Alex could barely make her way to the door of her darkened apartment at this point, her brain so foggy she could barely walk. Stumbling to reach out for the doorknob with her glass in her hand, she pulled open her door, the light assaulting her eyes and she cringed back. It was a moment before her eyes finally focused on the figure in the doorway and she faintly felt her stomach drop.

"Alex, what the fuck have you done to yourself?!" the figure asked as it pushed its way into her apartment, worry laced into their tone.

Alex didn't move, mindlessly watching as the figure pulled the glass out of her hand.

"Piper?" Alex mumbled quietly, confusion taking over what little thought she had left.

"Oh my God, Alex!" Piper's voice was frantic as her eyes connected the dots; the bag on the floor, pills on the counter, Alex's obvious signs of drinking.

Alex's vision faded to black as her brain shut down, her body falling to the floor and staying still.

"ALEX!" Piper screamed, kneeling down to the brunette at her feet as tears trailed down her cheeks.

Yet, Alex still hadn't come back to Earth, and it was doubtful she ever would.

_~o.o~_

_Staying in my play pretend_

_Where the fun, it got no end_

_Ooh_

_Can't go home alone again_

_Need someone to numb the pain_


End file.
